Essay prompt: What concrete benefits can be realized by making scholarly research outputs openly available?NONE. ABSOLUTELY NONE. Making scholarly research outputs openly available - pffft, are you daft!? Under the benevolence of our grand vizier, and for the good of humanity, research outputs have always been stashed out of sight. In a decompression chamber somewhere. Under lock and key. Cryonized for all eternity. Why mess with a winning formula?If you make it open, people might start reading that stuff, rather than sticking to the headline in the press release or the artwork on the cover, and where is that going to lead us? We don't have time to read anymore! No, that's true, we have the attention span of a goldfish, everyone says so - I read it on @IFLScience. Who needs the aggravation? I'll tell you what: some papers have titles that are so long that by the time I get to the end of it (the title, that is), I'm exhausted. As far as I'm concerned, if someone has to say 'carassius auratus' instead of 'goldfish' to feel important, they deserve to have their paper locked away under two locks and two keys! I can only do so many roundtrips to Wikipedia before I start getting thirsty.If you make it open, people might start questioning what they read too, and that's just rude. You don't go around poking and sniffing all the melons at the produce stand to see which ones are ripe, do you? You do? Well, that's an unhealthy habit, stop it.And I'm asking you: what are people going to do with all their money if they're not subscribing to expensive journals anymore? They're going to go on vacation to a lavish conference, like OpenCon, and stop doing science, that's what. You can't tell me that's good for science. What's that? They can spend that same amount of money to list their papers as openly available?That's wicked, man - but I like the way you're thinking!